Life in the Parsonage

Three UB pastors talk about what it was like growing up in a pastor's home, and what it's like now raising a family in a pastor's home.

Steve Dennie

June 1999

It's been said that preacher's kids make the best preachers. That's good, because a lot of preacher's kids follow in their father's footsteps.

That is the case with the three men interviewed here--Kevin Cherry, Denny Sites, and Randy Magnus. All three grew up in United Brethren pastors' homes, and all three have spent their entire ministerial career serving in UB churches.

Denny and Annette Sites started their ministry with two years in Clarkston, Wash., and have pastored Jerusalem Chapel UB of Churchville, Va., since 1984. Denny is the son of Wilber and Mossie Sites. Kevin and Sharon Cherry spent 16 years in Sunfield, Mich., and three years ago moved to Heart O the Lakes UB in Brooklyn, Mich. Kevin is the son of Harold and Ruby Cherry. Randy and Deb Magnus began with ten years at Garrison Road UB of Fort Erie, Ontario, and have served the Roseville UB church of Ayr, Ont., for the past five years. Randy is the son of Martin and Lois Magnus.

During the Leadership Development Seminar held in Huntington, Ind., in Apri 1999l, Kevin, Denny, and Randy discussed why they enjoyed growing up in a pastor's home, and what it's like raising their own family in one.

Kevin Cherry	Randy Magnus

What are your memories of growing up in a pastor 's family?

Kevin Cherry: I felt special. Different people would come and go at our house. We always had missionaries in our house, so we had more of a worldview of things, what life was like in other places. I always enjoyed it.

Denny Sites: I think our home was always a very positive place. Mom and Dad worked hard to isolate us from a lot of garbage that takes place in churches. I know there were times of turmoil and trouble and pain and conflict, but those never came into the home and weren't talked about. My folks did a wonderful job of showing the good side of being a pastor and being part of the church. I'm trying to do that with my own children.

Kevin: My parents didn't have unreal expectations of us as children. They let us be who we were, generally, and didn't hold us up as models of perfect-behaving kids. At the same time, I don't think the churches we were at held us up that way, either. That is important.

Randy Magnus: When I was seven, I was running through the church with some other kids, and a lady stopped me--when four of us ran by--and said, "Stop running in the church. You should know better. You're the pastor's kid."

My parents had already taught me that I was the same as the other kids, and my actions shouldn't be based on being the pastor's kid, but on whether it was right or wrong. I remember saying to her, "It doesn't matter whether I'm the pastor's kid. We're all the same." We've coached our kids the same way.

Kevin: We had a sign in front of one house that said "UB Parsonage." I hated it. It was a big identifier in the neighborhood that we were different. Why didn't other people have signs saying their dad was a doctor or factory worker? I was very glad when we moved to another house and they never put up that sign.Randy: We had baseball games that started at 1:00 on Sunday afternoon, and it was an hour's drive to get there. Dad said I could come for the singing and leave at 11:20. Sometimes I even wore my baseball uniform and sat in the back pew. That, to me, communicated that I mattered to my dad more than how it might look to others.

Denny: It goes back to the atmosphere of the church. A church can put great pressure on preacher's kids, without realizing it, by making those little comments and imposing expectations that aren't fair.

How does your family life in the 1990s reflect the family life you grew up with?

Kevin: I don't see as many people coming into my home. I think they respect your privacy, and they're looking to give you privacy. They're more likely to make appointments, rather than just drop in.

Denny Sites

Denny: I agree. People generally aren't as quick to stop in at the home anymore. Not that they're not welcome to, but I think it's a difference in the atmosphere. Plus, there are some generational differences. The younger generations pretty much want to be left alone. If you call to make an appointment to visit them, they wonder, "Why? Everything's fine. We don't need you, and if we do, we'll give you a call." Whereas the older generations still want the visit.

Randy: One of the things I remember fondly is my dad's flexibility. When I came home from school, Dad would be home and he would throw a ball around with me for a half hour or so. I try to do that kind of thing with my kids--be there when they get home from school if possible, especially if I have a meeting in the evening. The church is good in giving me the flexibility and freedom to work in family time.

I've been on several school class trips where there were six or seven moms and me. But I can put in extra hours some other time and free up a morning for a class trip. I appreciate that. Plus, you make contacts with people in the community that you wouldn't meet otherwise. I guess I should count that as work.

Denny: My frustration is the thing I didn't like about being a preacher's kid--the feeling that my dad was always in meetings. Now that devil called the meeting is after me. I grew up saying I would never let that happen to me. There are times when I need to make choices between a piano recital or a board meeting, and I'll tell the board members, "I'm sorry, but I'll be there after the recital." Years ago, I don't think pastors were given that choice. The expectation was that if you are the pastor, you better be at the board meeting.

Randy: That is one thing that has changed in the church culture. Promise Keepers has helped churches realize that they need to minister to the needs of the pastor and make sure he's spending time with his family. The guys in my church who have been to Promise Keepers will tell me and each other to give a family thing priority over a Bible study or board meeting.

Kevin: There is a difference today with the Personnel Relations Committee. They didn't really function when I was a kid.

Randy: They probably just got together when there was a problem.

Kevin: People weren't really concerned with what the pastor was doing with his family. They are more so today. Probably every other week, congregation members ask me how I'm doing with family time. They're interested and want to make sure there is a balance. A few years ago there wasn't a balance, and I had to address that with my congregation.

How do you deal, as a family, with the criticism pastors receive?

Kevin: We've had a couple situations where our children heard things at church and asked questions at home. I answer as honestly as I can without giving the details, not necessarily saying who said what or how that makes me feel or how it affects me.

Randy: We can explain, "Dad did something to hurt somebody's feelings," without getting into the nitty-gritty.

At one point, my parents went through a bad time, and I didn't know about it until about seven years later. Was I just oblivious? Two of my kids don't notice when there's much going on, but the other one is always tuned in; he knows when there is a problem, whether at church or in my wife's job. Or if there's something going on between the two of us. Not all the garbage is at the church--sometimes it's in the pastor's home.

Denny: Our children learn a whole lot by seeing how we respond. We can use those situations as a teaching tool for our children--to teach about the reality of life that takes place within the church, but also ask the question, What does God want us to do in this situation?

Randy: Often, things get launched at the wife. People will call the wife or say to her on Sunday morning, "I need to talk to your husband," or, "Has your husband done this or that?" They will use the wife to try to influence the pastor. We have worked on telling people, "If you want to talk to me, talk to me, not Deb."

You all had good experiences as preacher's kids. How do you view PKs who complain about having grown up in the parsonage?

Denny: A lot has to do with mindset. If you want to find negatives, you can find them and make them into big things. But I also want to tell some people, "Grow up." We can have bad experiences anywhere. Our choice is to sulk and be bitter about it, or to let it be part of our past and go on. Maybe you weren't dealt a fair hand, but you can control how you respond to it.

Randy: The reality is that there are problems in other people's homes, too. There are things you will like about growing up in your home, and things you won't like. Sure, some pastors are more attentive to their family's needs than others, just as some bricklayers are more attentive to their family's needs than other bricklayers. Not every pastor is a good parent, or a good spouse. So I would empathize with them, but I would also say, "You could have had the same experience if your dad was a painter. You need to forgive him and move on."

Where do your wives fit in the process of making things work?

Denny: My wife is also my part-time secretary, which creates some challenges for us. But it's also a real blessing, because she is a wonderful organizer and helps me think through decisions and how they will affect the church. The biggest asset a preacher can have is a supportive wife.

Kevin: In my experience, churches want a pastor's wife to have a certain level of involvement. I've seen pastors' wives who weren't very involved, and there was a reaction to that kind of thing. When we moved to Brooklyn, I told the board, "For the first year, I don't want you putting expectations on Sharon. We need to adjust, and our five children need to adjust. Don't plan on her being involved in anything." They were very gracious with that. Now she's very involved in discipleship and women's ministries.

Randy: Deb has been involved in more different ministries than I have--nursery, junior church, the junior high group, leading a ladies' Bible study, WMF, Sunday school executive committee. There are times I say, "You should be getting a paycheck."

The downside is that the church can become your whole life. You get too wrapped up in it. We need to maintain connections outside the church circle. Deb has backed off of a few things and gone back to teaching. I think that 's healthier in the long run.

Kevin: Sharon worked fulltime until the first child was born, and then went to one day a week. That gives her an outlet professionally, enables her to keep up her skills as a nurse, and provides a chance to get out of the house. It also gives me a chance to be with the kids for longer periods of time and help understand what she deals with every day.

Denny: Every pastor's wife must wrestle with the issue of who she is versus what is expected of her. Annette would say, "I did not marry Denny because he was a preacher, but because I wanted him to be my husband, and regardless of what he does, it doesn't change the issue of who I am." She doesn't see herself as the preacher's wife, but as Denny's wife.

Randy: What are the expectations of a Sunday school superintendent's wife? Or a deacon's wife? I tell Deb, "What would you be doing in the church if I wasn't the pastor--if I was just a Sunday school teacher? That's what you should be doing. Don't raise the bar. Don't put other expectations on yourself."

Kevin: Right now, Sharon feels she needs to back away from a couple things to be more effective at home. She feels a little bit guilty about doing that, but I say, "Other people can do it, and they do. There shouldn't be any reason you can't, if there's a legitimate reason behind it."

Denny: If it leaves something short, we need to view that as God's problem, not our problem or her problem.

Kevin: And there are other people in the church God can raise up to handle it.

From the May-June 1999 issue of the Connect newsletter, Interview by Steve Dennie