RandomPokesThe First Annual Christian OlympicsSteve Dennie
In my continuing quest to keep Christians informed about major happenings in Christendom, I attended the third quadrennial Christian Olympics.
Representatives came from numerous individual churches, denominations, Christian organizations, and religious rip-off trinket companies. Most of the competitors were ministers, though laymen were allowed to compete in some events, as long as they weren't too assertive.
There was the usual pre-Games controversy. Ultra-fundamentalists once again boycotted the co-ed games, insisting that only men should be allowed to compete, since a woman's role is cheerleading. The Baptists argued that everyone who enters a race should be declared a winner, even if they walk from start to finish and take several naps along the way. They vowed to split into a couple more denominations and use the extra votes to stack the Rules committee in time for the next Games.
The athletic events ranged from the Picket Sign Throw to the ever-popular Gospel Record Make-Like-a-Frisbee toss. Here are some highlights.
The Crying Baby Dash. Each heat pitted two women against each other during a simulated church service. They started out sitting in the middle of crowded pews on opposite sides of the sanctuary, third row, each tenderly holding a Cabbage Patch Doll.
As the minister bowed to pray, pre-recorded baby crying came from the loudspeakers, signaling the start of the heat. The women immediately leaped to their feet. The object: to reach the back doors of the sanctuary first. A two-second penalty was assessed for each knee bumped while exiting the pew, and one second for disturbing the purses, Gideon Bibles, children's toys, hymnals, bulletins, and other obstacles placed along the way.
Norma Hoffsteader and Elaine Pampring ended up in the finals. Norma, always a quick starter, made it to the aisle a full step ahead of Elaine and began sprinting down the straight-a-way. But a few yards from the ribbon, she snagged her heel on some loose carpet and she stumbled. Elaine swept past her and won, despite receiving a one-second penalty for kicking a Bible three seats.
Bible-Pressing. In this event, competitors stood in a pulpit and, using just one hand, held a Bible high in the air for ten seconds straight. They warmed up with pocket New Testaments and gradually progressed to larger, heavier Bibles until everyone was eliminated except one person.
Rev. Bruno Thumper set a new world record by lofting a Twelve-Version Seven-Language Parallel Interlinear Greek-Hebrew Thompson Chain Reference Bible, large-print edition.
The Collection Plate Relay. This was the largest team sport, with 62 persons per team. Two members acted as ushers, while the others sat in rows of pews with ten persons each. The object was to pass the offering plate down all six rows and bring it back to the front of the church.
In the opening round, Rural Chapel easily beat Big Hair Church of the Tube, who took a full hour completing the course. They had to write MasterCard receipts and give out prayer rugs, while the Chapelites just took the money and ran.
But Rural Chapel suffered a close, heart-rending loss in the next round. Their plate reached the back first, but instead of racing to the front, the usher--purely out of habit--hesitated a few crucial seconds waiting for the Doxology to begin.
The Great Preach-Off. Horatio Longwinder won this event by preaching a sermon with 79 points, all starting with the letter V. His closest competitor managed only 62 points, the first letters of which spelled a line from Jeremiah which absolutely nobody could remember.
Brotherly Basketball. First Presbyterian won the basketball tournament with a dazzling array of jabs, body blows, right hooks, and uppercuts that sent the Mennonite players reeling to the mat. Or was that the boxing finals? It's always hard to tell in church basketball.
Softball. The Lutherans easily prevailed in this sport. They were led by two atheists, a Muslim, and a bald Hare Krishna who once played right field for the Mets. Grace Baptist was disqualified for fielding a player who actually attends their church.
Media-Bashing. Competitors were told a sentence--"Dan Rather wears a hairpiece"--and given ten minutes to write as many derogatory words about the press as possible using only the letters in those words. Myron Rednecker won by one disputed word. His closest opponent appealed Rednecker's use of "wartheads," but the judges declared it applicable.
The Christian Decathlon. The main attraction, the grueling event whose winner is hailed "Best All-Around Minister," was the Christian Decathlon. Competitors raced through a mile-long, exhausting course. It featured ten stations at which they had to complete individual tasks.
- Ring a church bell ten times.
- Fill an entire tray of communion cups with grapejuice and carry it 50 yards without spilling any.
- Stuff 100 bulletins.
- Thread a film projector.
- Push-start a bus.
- Type a church newsletter and mimeograph 150 copies.
- Light a candelabra.
- Mow a half-acre church lawn with an ancient push mower (and don't forget to trim!).
- Make a pot of coffee.
- Lastly, and most taxing of all, handwrite a pastor's annual report form in triplicate.
The winner was Rev. O. J. Goforit, a Marine chaplain. He just barely squeaked past The Right Rev. Dr. Sir Mr. Majestic Royalness of Eminent Eminence Mike Jones. Jones led until the last part, when he suffered severe hand cramps while writing his complete name for the third time.
Rev. Goforit has already signed a contract to produce his own Ministerial Work-Out Video.
Copyright 2005 Steve Dennie |
