Articles by
Steve Dennie

Travel Articles

Fear and Trembling from
the Roof of My Mouth

Steve Dennie

My name is Steve, and I'm an arachibutyrophobiac.

What did you say?

My computer's spelling checker will diligently search the 65,000 most-often-used words and then tell me, "Arachibutyrophobia isn't a word, you subliterate nitwit." It may not even be in Webster's Unabridged. But it's a real word with a real meaning.

"So what does it mean?" you want to know.

Arachibutyrophobia is "the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth." Now you know. Perhaps you can relate to the horrifying sensation of Chunky Jif clinging tenaciously to your mouthtop.

In my incessant search for Vital Knowledge, I discovered a number of phobias which, I'm confident, will also frustrate my unenlightened computer.

Chromophobia is an easy one: the fear of certain colors. I am absolutely terrified of flashing reds when seen through my rear-view mirror.

I wouldn't mind having occasional bouts of sitophobia--the fear of food. I am selective about my sitophobias. For instance, I fear spinach, asparagus, cauliflower, artichokes, broccoli, and anything else which is supposed to be good for me and/or has less than 50 calories. I am absolutely fearless around candy bars, unless they've been spiked with something disgusting, like granola.

I'm extremely nervous clamping jumper cables to car batteries. Even when I know with absolute certainty that red's connected to red and black to black, I envision the battery reenacting the Big Bang. After attaching the last cable, I usually take a frantic running leap into the nearest ditch. Call it kaboomophobia.

When I drive on eight-lane freeways in major cities, I fear car problems stranding me along the road while cars whiz past at warp speed. Autophobia?

People don't usually associate phobias with church, but I thought of a few.

Ignorantophobia--the fear of being asked to pray for someone's prayer request, when you were daydreaming and didn't hear what it was about. Fortunately, if you're a mature Christian, you've probably mastered the art of bluffing it.

During prayer meeting, Sharon says, "I'd like everyone to remember my Aunt Mabel. She stubbed her big toe on her husband's shin, and has a doctor's appointment in the morning to see if she needs a walker."

The prayer meeting leader, noting that Bob is listening with rapt attention, says, "Bob, will you take Sharon's prayer request?"

Bob only looked like he was listening. Actually, he was replaying the final seconds of last night's NBA playoff game. Nevertheless, he agrees.

During the prayer time, Bill prays, "Lord, please remember this loved one of Sharon. Be with her in this time. You know her need better than we do, and we ask that you'll give her comfort and strength to sustain her through her trials. We pray that thy will be done in this matter, and we'll give you all the honor and praise for whatever happens. Amen."

That's one phobia common among churchgoers. Here are more.

• Nominatophobia--the fear of anyone who is a member of the Nominating Committee. This used to afflict me throughout November, when the ballot for church officers is compiled. I tried not to stand still long enough for someone to approach me and say, "Steve, would you let your name run for Assistant Deputy Communion Cup Filler-Upper?" If they wanted me to do something, they had to catch me. When I joined the Nominating Committee, I became wary of my own shadow.
• Altophobia--the fear of not having any altos for the choir's special number. Peculiar to choir directors.
• Bratophobia--the fear of teaching the Primary Sunday school class.
• Proximopulpitophobia--the fear of front pews. This is yet another consequence of the fall. Before Adam and Eve sinned, nobody sat in the back pews.
• Guestoentrophobia--the fear of visitors. Symptoms include high blood pressure, speechlessness, and suddenly recalling that you need to talk to someone on the other side of the church. Visitors are ushered to the otherwise empty front pews so the regulars can keep an eye on them.
• Alternophobia--the fear of accidentally reading the pastor's part during the responsive reading, and doing so loud enough for everyone to hear, causing you to feel real stupid and possibly never ever return to that church ever never again, you're so embarrassed.
• Klutzophobia--the fear of dropping the offering plate.

You should be aware of these phobias, so that you can know what things you should be afraid of fearing.

Copyright 2005 Steve Dennie