Six Elements in Healthy Families

Ray A. Seilhamer
Bishop, 1993-2001

February 1994

Environmentalists are teaching us how to have a healthy planet, with clean air, pure water, and uncontaminated soil.

Thanks to the savings and loan failure, stringent steps are being taken to ensure a healthy banking system.

Technological innovations and government regulations seek to guarantee a healthy food supply.

The Bible teaches us how to have spiritual health. It deals with prayer, faith, hope, love, repentance, obedience, service, and rules for godly living. God wants us to have a strong and healthy spiritual life.

But how can we build healthy families?

The Family Research Council, based in Washington D.C., interviewed over 3000 strong, healthy families to discover common elements. The research revealed six common elements in strong families.

1. Strong families have religious faith.

The research showed that religious faith gives families purpose and support. Families credited their faith with helping them be more patient with each other, more forgiving, quicker to get over anger, and more positive and supportive of each other.

Religious faith answers the right questions. Where did I come from? Who am I? What kind of person am I to be? What am I to do with my life? How should I treat my neighbor? What happens to me after I die? Can we know God? If so, how?

Strong families go to church and worship together, and are usually active in their church. Families are further strengthened when individual members spend personal time in spiritual meditation and study.

2. Strong families are committed to family.

Members of healthy families make a variety of commitments to each other.

• "I will help you."
• "I will stand by you."
• "I will encourage you."
• "I will give you time."
• "I will listen to you."
• "I will sacrifice for you."
• "I will not give up on you."

Your commitment to individual members must take priority above others. The Bible states this commitment clearly: "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." This, obviously, should make a big difference in your decisions.

At age 75, my mother-in-law, Alice Edinger Winzeler, underwent heart surgery. It was successful. But then came an extremely slow recovery period. The family knew Mother couldn't return to her farm home even with home-bound nursing care. Not wanting to place her in a nursing home, Dick and Karen, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, who live close to Mother, invited her to live with them during the recovery period. Lawrence, her husband, was also invited. Dick and Karen gave up their bedroom, privacy, freedom of schedule, and a vacation in Florida.

Karen changed Mother's dressings twice a day, prepared meals, washed clothes, and gave encouragement. Dick took her to the doctor and hospital, prepared meals, entertained Lawrence, and coped with the mood and attitude swings which often accompany surgery.

Their commitment involved emotional investment, sacrifice, inconvenience, and time. Although unconditional commitment often involves a high price tag, strong families don't shrink from it.

3. Strong families communicate well.

Words make up just 7% of the complete message. They can be harsh or compassionate, destructive or healing.

Tone of voice makes up 38% of the message, conveying such feelings and attitudes as compassion, anger, concern, and trust. Listen to your own voice tone. How does it come across?

Non-verbal communication makes up 55% of the message. Pay close attention, lest you misinterpret a family member's non-verbal communication.

Good communicators know how to listen. Listening is hard work; it requires hearing exactly what the other person is saying to determine his thoughts and feelings. It includes checking to make sure you have understood accurately. "This is what I am hearing you say. Is this correct?"

The highest of the five communication levels is total transparency. Here, we openly express our thoughts and feelings without fear. We reach this level with very few people and usually with a family member. In a healthy family, you can express yourself honestly in an atmosphere of love and acceptance.

4. Strong families spend time together

It is unfortunate that American parents spend less time with their children than any other society, except Great Britain. Television has replaced fellowship.

Entertainment has become a private affair, and today's family shows little discipline in controlling it. We mentally and emotionally respond to strangers on video or television, but don't engage in meaningful dialogue with each other.

We rationalize our busy schedules by saying that quality is more important than quantity. That is a half-truth. Research reveals that families need both quality and quantity of time with each other. You must give priority to planned and unplanned time with family members.

Here are some ideas for increasing both the quality and quantity of time.

• Work together. Do you let your children help with household chores? People need to feel needed. Purge your perfectionism; see working together as more valuable than having something done perfectly. Wash the car, rake leaves, paint the doghouse, help a needy family. Struggling, perspiring, and becoming fatigued together is important.
• Learn together. Look for teachable moments. They will come in the form of a question, a problem, or an everyday situation. Jesus captured teachable moments to impart spiritual truth. In the family, the best teaching occurs informally.
• Play together. There are many excellent games which all ages can play. Attend a concert, go for a walk, or play ball. Go shopping, camping, fishing, or sightseeing. Through play, family members learn much about themselves and each other.
• Laugh together. Laughter destroys walls and creates intimacy. We tend to like people we laugh with. Don't be afraid to become a little "crazy" in family relationships.
• Reminisce together. Do you recall the day of Junior's birth? His first step? His first day in school? His first base hit? Do reruns from your family video library. Relive beautiful events and memories.

5. Strong families express appreciation.

Families that major in criticism, derogatory comments, and discounting statements are unhealthy. These attitudes and behaviors destroy self-image.

The book The One-Minute Manager instructs managers, "Catch someone doing something right." We need to do that in the family.

Healthy families appreciate the uniqueness of each member. They not only think positive thoughts about each other, but express them. Expressions of appreciation bond a family and create intimacy. Being affirmed makes you feel good about yourself and helps you feel part of the team.

Some families mistakenly think appreciation impedes development. In fact, it frees a person to be more creative and productive. When someone believes in us, we tend to believe in ourselves.

Be creative in expressing appreciation. Write a note and deliver it in a creative package. The College Park UB Church in Huntington, which I pastored for 13 years, gave Ruth and me two round-trip plane tickets to Israel and placed them in the cockpit of a toy plane. That was creative!

Make it a rule of your life that every day, you will find ways to express encouragement to your family.

6. Strong families know how to handle stress and crisis.

Research reveals that some children from divorced families learn how to handle stress to survive. They learn to become "overcomers." However, "silver spoon children" don't learn how to handle stress and frequently collapse under pressure when crisis comes in adult life.

Stress can result from many things: a flat tire, a broken tooth, blocked plumbing, a minor car accident, unemployment, debt, failure, an unwanted pregnancy, a life-threatening disease, or a death in the family. Simply living together brings many crisis experiences which can rip a family apart. Bridging a crisis requires the ability to do effective problem-solving in the midst of the problem.

Strong families don't take out their tensions on each other, but resolve issues together. Sometimes, all you can do is trust and accept what has happened. In such instances, you can choose not to become bitter, cynical, or resentful but to face the situation each day with the Lord's strength.

Strong families do not avoid challenges. They tackle them. A crisis can teach you a lot about yourself and your family. And when you succeed in dealing with one situation, you become stronger for the next mountain you must climb.

Conclusion

Faith, commitment, communication, spending time together, expressing appreciation, and coping with stress--all of these blend together to build strong families. Commit your energies to building and maintaining a healthy family.