Peace Amidst Disagreements

Ray A. Seilhamer
Bishop, 1993-2001

August 1994

We agree with each other more than we disagree. That's what I wrote about last month. I said we need to focus on the 95% where we agree, and be tolerant of the other 5%.

I can't imagine having a church today, regardless of size, in which everyone agrees on every issue. But we can have disagreement in the Body of Christ without harming the peace of the Body. It's like marriage. People have told me, "My wife and I agree on everything." I just stick my tongue in my cheek, and think, Give me a half-hour alone with each of you, and I'll uncover many areas in which you don't agree. And yet, they still have a peaceful, meaningful, fulfilling marriage.

Some of the best marriages I know involve people with different temperaments who complement each other. But you have to learn to deal constructively with your differences--in marriage, and in the congregation.

I've seen congregations handle disagreements in all sorts of ways--healthy ways, and unhealthy ways. Let's look at some of the latter.

Being argumentative. It's amazing how many UB churches report to me that they had a hostile board meeting or that someone stomped out of a board meeting. Those are not Christian ways of dealing with disagreements. They only create tension and awkwardness which may take a long time to heal.

Rejection. Another unhealthy way to handle disagreements is to force people out of the community--"If you don't agree with us, you can leave." Sometimes, a parting of the ways is best. But it canalso be used to avoid issues which should be tackled head-on. I'd much rather see people work through their differences, rather than go their separate ways with unresolved conflict.

Power plays. As a member of the Nominating Committee, you can make sure that certain people aren't placed on the ballot for church positions. And you can do this is a gentle, passive-aggressive way--"I really don't think Joan is gifted in this area. I think there are other people who would be stronger." In reality, the main issue is not Joan's gifting, but the fact that you disagree with her on some issue. If elected to a position of influence, she might assert an agenda which conflicts with your own, so you nip it through the Nominating Committee. Such games are played all the time.

Money. Money imparts power. You can withhold money to prevent something from happening. Or, even if the rest of the Body decides against a course of action, you can force the hand by saying, "I'll pay for it. Here's the money. Let's do it."

Silence. We use silence to ostracize people who don't agree with us. Our communication with them doesn't extend beyond pleasantries. They still attend services, and we see them every Sunday, but we have effectively cut them off from meaningful participation in the Body.

Impulsive reactions. Too many people, when confronted with a different view, jump in with a knee-jerk reaction. They talk without thinking. They attack another person's view without first considering its merits.

Being judgmental. Finally, it's unhealthy to be judgmental and intolerant. When you assume a position of arrogance--"My position is the only position. I am right, and you're wrong"--you cause disruption and division in the Body.

This is why so many church fights and church divisions occur in fundamentalistic churches. The United Brethren church is fundamentalistic in our basic doctrines, but we can't afford to take the fundamentalist approach that if we don't agree on every jot and tittle, we can't live together.

Not everything is black-and-white. You must learn to live with ambiguity, accepting the fact that some things will not be clear and definitive. This is easier for me to handle that it was earlier in my Christian life, when I lacked the experience and wisdom to realize that some things simply won't fit neatly on my shelf.

In a similar way, you can show a judgmental spirit by spotlighting inconsistency inother people's words and behavior. But if you put your own life under the microscope, you'll find the same thing. When you boil life down to the minute, you'll find inconsistencies in how you discipline your children, in how you treat strangers, and in how you spend your money and time.

Likewise for your church. Do you have a Good Samaritan fund to help people in need? If you're honest, you'll probably have to admit that you're not entirely consistent in deciding who to help. When visitors come, you probably treat them differently, depending on how you size them up as potential members.

Life is filled with inconsistencies. My own life includes many examples. There are inconsistencies in my decisions; I might make a decision affecting one pastor, or one church, or one pastor, which I wouldn't make regarding another pastor, church, or conference. If I'm truly committed to being honest, I must admit, "Hey, I'm inconsistent." I try to be as consistent as possible, but life is too complicated to achieve that goal all of the time. And since it's not possible for me, I must be tolerant of inconsistency in other people.