Handling Disagreements in Positive Ways

Ray A. Seilhamer
Bishop, 1993-2001

September 1994

As Christians worshipping and ministering together in our churches, there are more things on which we agree than on which we disagree. We need to focus more on the 95% where we agree, and be tolerant of the other 5%. And when disagreements do arise, we need to avoid handling them in unhealthy ways--being argumentative, reacting impulsively, disassociating with people, using power plays and money to get our way, and taking a judgmental attitude toward the other side.

Those are some of the issues I've dealt with during the last two months. Now, I'd like to present some guidelines for handling disagreements in a positive ways .

Realize that you may be wrong. I encourage you to approach God with an attitude like this: "God, this is my view, but it's more important for me to discover truth than it is for me to have my own way. I am open for You to teach me, because I know it is possible for me to be wrong." This combines prayer with a spirit of humility.

Listen. Often, we think people are saying something when indeed they are not. Or we get partial truth rather than a complete photograph. We need to work for clarification--"Are you saying thatÉ?"--so we can minimize misunderstanding.

Speak with self-control. The Bible says, "A soft answer turns away wrath." When you find yourself disagreeing with someone, you need to have a tight grip on your tongue, so that you speak and react in healthy ways.

Suspend judgment. Another way of handling disagreements is suspend judgment for a period of time, and two or more people can look to see if the Bible has a specific word on this issue. Does it speak with definitive clarity, or is there ground for a variety of interpretations? And then let's talk about what the Word of God says together.

Be tolerant. Ask God for a spirit of tolerance toward other people who don't handle or interpret things the same way you do.

Show an Attitude of Love. 1 Corinthians 13 explains this sufficiently. Love puts the best construction on things. Love is patient with persons who see things differently. Love is kind; I have a responsibility to treat you with kindness whether you agree with me or not.

Love is not proud--does not insist, "I know all about this" or "I'm always right." Love is not easily angered. I can't respond with hostility to someone who is different than I am, particularly on the minor issues.

Show an Attitude of Grace. We must show graciousness to others whether they agree with us or not, and whether or not we think they deserve it.

Dr. M. I. Burkholder, one of my seminary professors, exemplified this. He could disagree with you in such a gracious way. When you were done, you knew he didn't agree with you, but you didn't feel discounted, put down, or shredded. He just loved you. I never heard that man say one negative, disparaging thing about anyone. He was a man of conviction, but his life was seasoned with graciousness.

Try to Understand the Other Side. Even when you disagree with someone, it's important that you try to understand why the other person thinks or feels that way. Our backgrounds affect this. Suppose someone who grew up in a Southern Baptist church transfers into your area and begins attending your church. Why wouldn't he have an independent framework concerning the church? Why wouldn't he have a strong position on separation of church and state? Why wouldn't he have a strong position on eternal security? Understand where the person is coming from.

In a United Brethren church, some of those views may be minority views. But does that make him wrong and everyone else right? No. We need to be open-minded and look for understanding.

Be Open to Compromise. Finally, I like to see an attitude of compromise on minor issues. Compromise isn't a dirty word, as some people think. Now, you don't want to become so tolerant that anything goes. We never want to compromise on what God's Word clearly states. There are certain doctrines and behaviors which we can never compromise. But there are many issues on which I would be open to compromise.